Recently I was sharing with a friend about the past, specifically how a past relationship has influenced the way we think...now.
We both come from broken marriages, ones that were in trouble long before the divorce papers were signed. We both had held beliefs we need to "tough it out", how God will bless if we don't give up, or rely on a hope things would change.
Then one day...I couldn't...and I initiated a divorce. This friend, although we did not know each other at the time...had made the same decision. For myself, it was a very tough decision, both as a Christian and as a person...yet I look back on this...I look back with no regrets.
The reason was not one of infidelity nor reasons of physical abuse...it was simply because I had died inside and all my dreams with it. My own life had become nothing more than emptiness...a tremendously deep emptiness filled with darkness. Both my new friend (although years later) and I had tried a number of things in our marriages to resurrect a love that was no longer there. Were there feelings?...yes. Were there emotions?...yes. Was there hope?...no. Along with this, I had gone with my wife at the time to various marriage counselors, friends, and Pastors for help...and came out with the same drive...this relationship is over. My new friend, who went through this years after I had...found the same results.
Afterwards, I have often asked myself...Was it right what I had decided to do?. My conclusion: Yes...otherwise I would have not discovered myself...as I began to regain a life. As for my ex...she has remarried, and my new friend?...her ex has not.
So, does this give everyone a "free ticket" to walk away from their marriage?... Certainly not! Yet, each of us are different, our situations are different, our lifestyles are different, and where we are in life...is also different. One thing I have learned from all this before you start to "cast a stone", we just don't don't know what people are going through...and only your heart can tell you when...it is enough. For me, it was control of the other, for my friend...a guilt ridden existence. And the bible and God...and all that...I can only confess from a transparent heart...and seek His Mercy and Guidance through times as this.
So, what did I do?
My first decision was...I had to let go. the pain was just too much...and the pain was daily. I can still remember sitting in a rocking chair at 9:00 in the morning, when suddenly it just hit me..."It's over". I knew I was about to enter a world full of more pain, the feeling of failure, fighting the "victim syndrome", and the general feeling of emptiness...to God, to my wife...and to myself. I knew my Christian upbringing was about to be challenged, and I soon found out not all who calls me their "brother"...was really "my brother"..it was hard and difficult. I think the thing that gave me the most courage to go on in this direction was when my wife's church counselor said "I feel for you...and you have a rough road to follow". This came about when I had accepted the invitation to go see this marriage counselor at my wife's church, and I was determined to be totally honest and not try and defend myself...just tell him the truth and how I felt. After the meeting which my ex claimed in this meeting that she had done nothing wrong and I was the one to blame for all of this...and then stormed out of the room in anger...this kind Pastor...who had picked up on my ex-wife attitude toward me...simply gave me compassion and made the remark. As for my friend, she later went through a rough and in someways similar time.
Now, was I perfect or totally innocent in all this?...no! Yet, I felt so free to be letting the world know...we (my ex and I ) don't have it together and unless we get some help and support..."this ship" is going down. It was then I learned the meaning of the phrase..."a house divided...will fall". And...that is exactly what happened...to both me...and years later, to my new found friend.
In the years that have followed, I have committed my heart and life to Christ in a deeper way...and although this divorce was tough and perhaps long overdo...I am so glad I went through with it. For a while, I had to fight those thoughts of "reliving the past", thinking if I would have done this...or if I had done that...I might have avoided this divorce. Then I had to learn new ways of welcoming "Joy" into my life...and the big one: accepting the fact it was necessary for this new found freedom and growth in my own life, I had to forgive my ex-wife...and to equally... forgive myself.
Yet, it is true that even after you have comes to grips with situations such as these, and you now find yourself in a position to let go of the past...the fact still remains the past is a part of who you are. Often times quality decisions we make today are often a result of lessons we have learned from the past. In psychology, they use a phrase called "effective use of our pasts".
Along with this, subconsciously our emotions play a part from our past as well. For example, if we are faced with something tragic, our brain will trigger a fear mechanism, simply because it wants to protect us from future harm. Our past thoughts can sometimes generate a stereotype mentality...like if a man continually makes you feel guilty...then all men want to make you feel guilty.
Likewise, your subconscious does not take into account the capabilities of growth within you...once you have made that choice to change within... one analogy being the baby elephant chained to a stake. When the baby elephant grows and becomes a large adult elephant, it now possesses the power to pull the stake from the ground and actually break the chain. Yet because of it's past, the now adult elephant makes no attempt to do so...instead, it remains in it's "baby state", and does not realize...it could be free.
Life is full of twists and turns...and our decisions often determine our outcome.
A quote from Steve Mornbol goes :" Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are forever a part of your history, but...they may not be a part of your destiny."
I also like what Saint Francis of Assisi once wrote: " Start by doing what is necessary, then do what is possible, and suddenly, you are doing the impossible."
Yet...in the book of Isaiah...he really "brings this home":
A Gleaning from Isaiah 43:18-19
" It is now time...to forget what has happened...don't keep going over "old history"...like you could change it or something. Now is the time for your heart and mind to be alert...for this is the time I am about to create something entirely new in your life. In fact, this new work has already begun...and you really need to see this! I realize you have been through a wilderness, yet look now!...I Am creating fresh streams and rivers...right in the midst of your former wastelands!"
We both come from broken marriages, ones that were in trouble long before the divorce papers were signed. We both had held beliefs we need to "tough it out", how God will bless if we don't give up, or rely on a hope things would change.
Then one day...I couldn't...and I initiated a divorce. This friend, although we did not know each other at the time...had made the same decision. For myself, it was a very tough decision, both as a Christian and as a person...yet I look back on this...I look back with no regrets.
The reason was not one of infidelity nor reasons of physical abuse...it was simply because I had died inside and all my dreams with it. My own life had become nothing more than emptiness...a tremendously deep emptiness filled with darkness. Both my new friend (although years later) and I had tried a number of things in our marriages to resurrect a love that was no longer there. Were there feelings?...yes. Were there emotions?...yes. Was there hope?...no. Along with this, I had gone with my wife at the time to various marriage counselors, friends, and Pastors for help...and came out with the same drive...this relationship is over. My new friend, who went through this years after I had...found the same results.
Afterwards, I have often asked myself...Was it right what I had decided to do?. My conclusion: Yes...otherwise I would have not discovered myself...as I began to regain a life. As for my ex...she has remarried, and my new friend?...her ex has not.
So, does this give everyone a "free ticket" to walk away from their marriage?... Certainly not! Yet, each of us are different, our situations are different, our lifestyles are different, and where we are in life...is also different. One thing I have learned from all this before you start to "cast a stone", we just don't don't know what people are going through...and only your heart can tell you when...it is enough. For me, it was control of the other, for my friend...a guilt ridden existence. And the bible and God...and all that...I can only confess from a transparent heart...and seek His Mercy and Guidance through times as this.
So, what did I do?
My first decision was...I had to let go. the pain was just too much...and the pain was daily. I can still remember sitting in a rocking chair at 9:00 in the morning, when suddenly it just hit me..."It's over". I knew I was about to enter a world full of more pain, the feeling of failure, fighting the "victim syndrome", and the general feeling of emptiness...to God, to my wife...and to myself. I knew my Christian upbringing was about to be challenged, and I soon found out not all who calls me their "brother"...was really "my brother"..it was hard and difficult. I think the thing that gave me the most courage to go on in this direction was when my wife's church counselor said "I feel for you...and you have a rough road to follow". This came about when I had accepted the invitation to go see this marriage counselor at my wife's church, and I was determined to be totally honest and not try and defend myself...just tell him the truth and how I felt. After the meeting which my ex claimed in this meeting that she had done nothing wrong and I was the one to blame for all of this...and then stormed out of the room in anger...this kind Pastor...who had picked up on my ex-wife attitude toward me...simply gave me compassion and made the remark. As for my friend, she later went through a rough and in someways similar time.
Now, was I perfect or totally innocent in all this?...no! Yet, I felt so free to be letting the world know...we (my ex and I ) don't have it together and unless we get some help and support..."this ship" is going down. It was then I learned the meaning of the phrase..."a house divided...will fall". And...that is exactly what happened...to both me...and years later, to my new found friend.
In the years that have followed, I have committed my heart and life to Christ in a deeper way...and although this divorce was tough and perhaps long overdo...I am so glad I went through with it. For a while, I had to fight those thoughts of "reliving the past", thinking if I would have done this...or if I had done that...I might have avoided this divorce. Then I had to learn new ways of welcoming "Joy" into my life...and the big one: accepting the fact it was necessary for this new found freedom and growth in my own life, I had to forgive my ex-wife...and to equally... forgive myself.
Yet, it is true that even after you have comes to grips with situations such as these, and you now find yourself in a position to let go of the past...the fact still remains the past is a part of who you are. Often times quality decisions we make today are often a result of lessons we have learned from the past. In psychology, they use a phrase called "effective use of our pasts".
Along with this, subconsciously our emotions play a part from our past as well. For example, if we are faced with something tragic, our brain will trigger a fear mechanism, simply because it wants to protect us from future harm. Our past thoughts can sometimes generate a stereotype mentality...like if a man continually makes you feel guilty...then all men want to make you feel guilty.
Likewise, your subconscious does not take into account the capabilities of growth within you...once you have made that choice to change within... one analogy being the baby elephant chained to a stake. When the baby elephant grows and becomes a large adult elephant, it now possesses the power to pull the stake from the ground and actually break the chain. Yet because of it's past, the now adult elephant makes no attempt to do so...instead, it remains in it's "baby state", and does not realize...it could be free.
Life is full of twists and turns...and our decisions often determine our outcome.
A quote from Steve Mornbol goes :" Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are forever a part of your history, but...they may not be a part of your destiny."
I also like what Saint Francis of Assisi once wrote: " Start by doing what is necessary, then do what is possible, and suddenly, you are doing the impossible."
Yet...in the book of Isaiah...he really "brings this home":
A Gleaning from Isaiah 43:18-19
" It is now time...to forget what has happened...don't keep going over "old history"...like you could change it or something. Now is the time for your heart and mind to be alert...for this is the time I am about to create something entirely new in your life. In fact, this new work has already begun...and you really need to see this! I realize you have been through a wilderness, yet look now!...I Am creating fresh streams and rivers...right in the midst of your former wastelands!"
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