As I begin my retirement years and reflect as to what I wish I would have avoided...the #1 choice by far is the time I invested in toxic friendships and relationships; whether it be family, friends, or spouse.
Toxic relationships are characterized by behaviors on the part of a toxic friend that result in emotional damage and sometimes physical damage. Healthy relationships on the other hand contribute to better self esteem, emotional energy, and to a degree an encouragement to your physical well being.
Understanding we are all human beings and are subject to not being "perfect" at all times to our friends, relatives, or spouses, there are some behaviors which exceed the norm and for the most part are verbal yet violent mechanisms used to control another's life.
Some "weaponry" a toxic bully chooses in establishing supremacy in a relationship are:
1. Belittle: Ideas, beliefs, or thoughts that are categorized as silly or stupid. One of the most hurtful ways a toxic bully might harm you is simply dismissing your ideas of dreams and demand you embrace theirs instead. It's like you open up and share a thought...only to hear a "toilet flush" and you are lectured as to how inept you are. Generally this leads to the toxic bully's speech on how lucky you are to have them in your life, forcing the question "What would you do without them" permanently branded in your brain.
2. Guilt: The most common form of control used by the toxic bully. The trick in using guilt ( promising never to leave them, how much they have helped you, you owe them so much while they do all things out of a selfless love in their heart ( this one makes me want to puke and vomit), or simply reminding you of all your "long trail of broken promises"). The bully will use guilt tactics to control ADULT human beings...sometimes even into a person's golden years.
3. Independence: The toxic bully will often declare their ability to need no assistance from anyone...but as for you, you do! In fact, you are so lucky to have this bully as a friend and it would be wise to appreciate the trustworthiness they have bestowed on you.
4. User: A toxic bully will often look nice, courteous and quite pleasant to the general public ( the social arenas like church, clubs, or friends,) but then of course...there is you! Here is a general rule for receiving the pleasantries of a toxic bully; As long as they get what they want from you, you will receive a false yet very skilled public respect. But, if you do not concede to any idea or request they may have....Hell's comin' buddy! One person spent years being abused by a close toxic bully friend wrote: "It's like continually paying $1000 for a candy bar. You never got much for your investment."
5. Decision-making: Be careful to not allow the toxic bully to feed you "the info," then have you make the call. Remember, if their idea doesn't work, you will be the one to blame.
Finally, here are 7 "Rules" I have kept in mind with any relationships or friendships I develop now. I hope they are helpful:
1. Letting Go: It is best to let go of toxic people. It does not mean you hate them or wish harm upon them. It simply means you care about your own well being. Healthy relationships are ALWAYS RECIPROCAL!
2. Stop Pretending: Toxic behavior is not okay. It never has been. Stop acting like it is! Toxic bullies can develop a sense of entitlement and the victim finds it easier to quiet and satisfy their demands rather than to face and challenge the bully's demanding rhetoric. Do not tip-toe around a toxic bully by granting special "pardons" because of circumstances beyond control. A toxic bully will NEVER change if they are rewarded for NOT changing.
3. Speak up! It is time to stand up for yourself. Understand toxic bullies will do anything for their own personal gain. They will kill your dreams, take your money, promise you land and possessions...in the "sweet bye and bye." But first, you must promise never to leave them and you should start paying now! A toxic bully will make vague promises. Inheritances for example might be offered with a phrase like "It will all be yours someday"... like a donkey chasing a carrot on a stick. The reality of a statement like that...the toxic bully has every intention of just leaving you the leftovers.
4. Put your foot down!: A toxic bully attacks, ravages, and disgracefully mocks your personal dignity. Yet the truth is, the only way you as a victim of such behavior can EVER, EVER lose your dignity permanently...is if you surrender it. The remedy?...Vacate until or only if they change...and even then it may be too late.
5. Do not attack toxic behavior in a personal way: Learn to keep your emotions out of it when making decisions and establishing boundaries. Be respectful, and walk away.
6. Practical compassion: If a toxic bully threatens or speaks vaguely, address it directly. Getting back to the inheritance example, if you hear the phrase " It will all be yours someday," ask..."What exactly do you mean by that?" ( You might want to be ready to duck...lol).
7. Take time for yourself: You deserve time away from it all. You need time to think peacefully.
I like how one lady described her relationship with her spouse of 35 years. He was a toxic bully. He always appeared nice to everyone else; charming, smart, and achieving. Yet to her he seemed to be continually thinking of ways to delude and belittle anything she did or said...particularly if it didn't meet up to his standards. She said their relationship was like " a bitter onion wrapped in rose petals. The inside was not pretty and when you removed the rose petals, it always made her cry." She concluded her story writing " I am 58 years old, I cannot change my past, I cannot change the choices people wish to make, but I can change myself. I have found a new day of...Hope!" She vacated the toxic bully and her abused environment.
Matthew 11: 28-29 {The Message}
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burnt out on religion? Come to Me! Get away with Me and you will recover your life! I will show you. You will take a real rest. Walk with Me, work with Me, watch how I do it! Learn the unforced Rhythms of Grace."
Toxic relationships are characterized by behaviors on the part of a toxic friend that result in emotional damage and sometimes physical damage. Healthy relationships on the other hand contribute to better self esteem, emotional energy, and to a degree an encouragement to your physical well being.
Understanding we are all human beings and are subject to not being "perfect" at all times to our friends, relatives, or spouses, there are some behaviors which exceed the norm and for the most part are verbal yet violent mechanisms used to control another's life.
Some "weaponry" a toxic bully chooses in establishing supremacy in a relationship are:
1. Belittle: Ideas, beliefs, or thoughts that are categorized as silly or stupid. One of the most hurtful ways a toxic bully might harm you is simply dismissing your ideas of dreams and demand you embrace theirs instead. It's like you open up and share a thought...only to hear a "toilet flush" and you are lectured as to how inept you are. Generally this leads to the toxic bully's speech on how lucky you are to have them in your life, forcing the question "What would you do without them" permanently branded in your brain.
2. Guilt: The most common form of control used by the toxic bully. The trick in using guilt ( promising never to leave them, how much they have helped you, you owe them so much while they do all things out of a selfless love in their heart ( this one makes me want to puke and vomit), or simply reminding you of all your "long trail of broken promises"). The bully will use guilt tactics to control ADULT human beings...sometimes even into a person's golden years.
4. User: A toxic bully will often look nice, courteous and quite pleasant to the general public ( the social arenas like church, clubs, or friends,) but then of course...there is you! Here is a general rule for receiving the pleasantries of a toxic bully; As long as they get what they want from you, you will receive a false yet very skilled public respect. But, if you do not concede to any idea or request they may have....Hell's comin' buddy! One person spent years being abused by a close toxic bully friend wrote: "It's like continually paying $1000 for a candy bar. You never got much for your investment."
5. Decision-making: Be careful to not allow the toxic bully to feed you "the info," then have you make the call. Remember, if their idea doesn't work, you will be the one to blame.
Finally, here are 7 "Rules" I have kept in mind with any relationships or friendships I develop now. I hope they are helpful:
1. Letting Go: It is best to let go of toxic people. It does not mean you hate them or wish harm upon them. It simply means you care about your own well being. Healthy relationships are ALWAYS RECIPROCAL!
2. Stop Pretending: Toxic behavior is not okay. It never has been. Stop acting like it is! Toxic bullies can develop a sense of entitlement and the victim finds it easier to quiet and satisfy their demands rather than to face and challenge the bully's demanding rhetoric. Do not tip-toe around a toxic bully by granting special "pardons" because of circumstances beyond control. A toxic bully will NEVER change if they are rewarded for NOT changing.
3. Speak up! It is time to stand up for yourself. Understand toxic bullies will do anything for their own personal gain. They will kill your dreams, take your money, promise you land and possessions...in the "sweet bye and bye." But first, you must promise never to leave them and you should start paying now! A toxic bully will make vague promises. Inheritances for example might be offered with a phrase like "It will all be yours someday"... like a donkey chasing a carrot on a stick. The reality of a statement like that...the toxic bully has every intention of just leaving you the leftovers.
4. Put your foot down!: A toxic bully attacks, ravages, and disgracefully mocks your personal dignity. Yet the truth is, the only way you as a victim of such behavior can EVER, EVER lose your dignity permanently...is if you surrender it. The remedy?...Vacate until or only if they change...and even then it may be too late.
5. Do not attack toxic behavior in a personal way: Learn to keep your emotions out of it when making decisions and establishing boundaries. Be respectful, and walk away.
6. Practical compassion: If a toxic bully threatens or speaks vaguely, address it directly. Getting back to the inheritance example, if you hear the phrase " It will all be yours someday," ask..."What exactly do you mean by that?" ( You might want to be ready to duck...lol).
7. Take time for yourself: You deserve time away from it all. You need time to think peacefully.
I like how one lady described her relationship with her spouse of 35 years. He was a toxic bully. He always appeared nice to everyone else; charming, smart, and achieving. Yet to her he seemed to be continually thinking of ways to delude and belittle anything she did or said...particularly if it didn't meet up to his standards. She said their relationship was like " a bitter onion wrapped in rose petals. The inside was not pretty and when you removed the rose petals, it always made her cry." She concluded her story writing " I am 58 years old, I cannot change my past, I cannot change the choices people wish to make, but I can change myself. I have found a new day of...Hope!" She vacated the toxic bully and her abused environment.
Matthew 11: 28-29 {The Message}
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burnt out on religion? Come to Me! Get away with Me and you will recover your life! I will show you. You will take a real rest. Walk with Me, work with Me, watch how I do it! Learn the unforced Rhythms of Grace."
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