Concinnity Writing and Critique: The Joys of Debate!

Concinnity Writing and Critique: The Joys of Debate!: Prologue:  Debating! I love it. It can be a lot of fun. Yet, I have found it is most imperative to have basic rules in place...otherwise pe...

" My Mother in the midst of Turbulence"

Still working on my book...hope to have it completed by Christmas.Here is an excerpt from chapter, "When I was a child, I thought as a child."
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Prologue: I have found some peace living in the shattered pieces of a broken family.
I sort out things, kind of like prose mixed in with poetry. The poetry is raw, the prose includes heartache. Yet, as my eyes look into the rear view mirror, long broken, the value in each person's heart, is dearly missed.

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Although our family was a broken one,
We shared our feelings freely.
Not always understanding the other
We spoke things quite revealing.

  We seemed to build our dysfunctional family on two principles from The Godfather: 1. " A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man." 2. " Never tell anybody outside the family what you are thinking, again." What we failed to include were certain conditions had to be met in order to follow these 2 main rules.
  As a result, we experienced some brutal words between us. We sometimes "put locks on our doors and if need be, alarms at our gates." We lived apart, we lived close by, and there were times many of us did not really understand why. Some tried to control while others dismissed another because they were named after the wrong relative. Emotions ran high, causing discomfort and pain. Still, family ties remained strong, at least for a time. Yet, time did take its toll.
  Divorce was always an option, regardless of religious preferences. Everything and everyone had limits. Some did choose this road out of necessity. Sometimes the same 2 remarried, other times we were introduced to new spouses with the same first name ( Cindy 1 and Cindy 2), and still other  divorcees never remarried, but lived together for the rest of their lives. At times teeth were sharp, growls were heard, and victims left stranded in the dark. Yet, in all this confusion, our celebrations continued...everyone coming together for a magical gathering during the holidays.
  My family did not always play well together, yet no one could ever...permanently leave.
So, one by one, they died.

Mom read to us bedtime stories
Nursery Rhymes not included.
Too dark and too abhorrent,
Hidden in mysterious seclusion.

Her passion were the mystery novels
Agatha Christie favorite of all.
In an oversized rocker she would read
Wrapped in a soft lined prayer shawl.

Christie's novels all leather bound
Gently displayed for any folk.
Reading to us the very latest
Her eyes sparkling as she spoke.

It wasn't long after our questions
We began to grow quite dreary.
She would kiss, tuck us under cover
As we drifted off too weary.

  Mom did not care for nursery rhymes because many were written in reference to human suffering. "London Bridge is Falling Down" was an example of such rhymes she would point out to defend her action.
  Mom did teach us a few "fundamental principles" as she called them. For example, she thought there were two basic appearances one needed in life:
1. Always have a smile on your face when greeting someone. She would instruct our brother and I in detail, demonstrating a proper smile to use in public. Then we would practice, having us curve each end of our lips upwards, but just a smidgen! She was not in favor of a "Cheshire" grin. Mom would quote from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland  "Please would you tell me" said Alice, "Why your cat grins like that? It's a Cheshire cat," replied the Duchess. Mom thought when one smiles too much or too big, it made others uneasy and often suspicious.
2. Mom would insist we open our eyes just a little more, in any initial greeting. Her rationale was it gives to others a nonverbal message we have interest in what a person is about to say, even if we do not. She stressed sublimity in doing so. We should never project an image our eyes so enlarged like we were scaring the hell out of someone, but rather a soft, yet mysterious look that translates respect in what a person is about to say.

  Another aspect of my dear Mom was the emphasis she gave to our home life. She pointed out our home should be a place each of us as core members should be free to "let our guards down." We must allow our real selves to find freedom in sharing various thoughts, whether those thoughts be quite raw or polished.  Our expressions or feelings could be joyous, happy, sad, or sometimes depressing. We should always feel free to reject another's opinion provided we do so respectfully. After all, many have houses to go to each night, yet few have homes. Amidst the daily turbulence we face, a home allows our dreams to give birth and the fears from the turbulence diminished.
  Mom loved the literary works of Charles Dickens and would quote "Charity begins at home, and justice begins next door."

She seemed to see for miles,
Bringing harmony coupled with peace.
Her advice a fresh drink of cold water
Refreshing as a summer breeze.

She knew of a secret in laughter
In the midst of deep personal pain,
Divorce had struck her own heart
Yet her love for him remained.

Inter-family ties had grown too bitter
Dad just had to go.
We were told their love was over
Yet their eyes still had a glow.

Mom did not have the courage
To overcome the dark and grim,
Told their love was over
Make your choice---us or him?

Mom had been sheltered
Dad now forced to go.
As I look back and ponder
She needed help you know.

  Later in life, I had the honor of introducing a friend of mine to my dad. His name is Christ Jesus. Dad and Him seemed to really hit it off. My dad changed alot the last 10 years of his life. He seemed to really love Him as a true friend. He taught Dad how to love, forgive, and dad expressed at times how he missed my mom...even to the end. My Dad died in my arms on the early morning of March 31st, 1995.
  I was equally honored to assist my mom in rededicating her heart to Him a few years before she passed away. I was with her, in a nursing home, the night she lay sleeping in her bed. She rolled over on her right side, opened her eyes and looked at me one more time. She never awoke.

Yea, you bet I wonder if dad was there to greet her.....


" With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven coveted, her and me."

                                                                                "Annabel Lee" written by Edgar Allan Poe

Demanding Friend...or a Toxic Bully?

As I begin my retirement years and reflect as to what I wish I would have avoided...the #1 choice by far is the time I invested in toxic friendships and relationships; whether it be family, friends, or spouse.
Toxic relationships are characterized by behaviors on the part of a toxic friend that result in emotional damage and sometimes physical damage. Healthy relationships on the other hand contribute to better self esteem, emotional energy, and to a degree an encouragement to your physical well being.

Understanding we are all human beings and are subject to not being "perfect" at all times to our friends, relatives, or spouses, there are some behaviors which exceed the norm and for the most part are verbal yet violent mechanisms used to control another's life.
Some "weaponry" a toxic bully chooses in establishing supremacy in a relationship are:
1. Belittle: Ideas, beliefs, or thoughts that are categorized as silly or stupid. One of the most hurtful ways a toxic bully might harm you is simply dismissing your ideas of dreams and demand you embrace theirs instead. It's like you open up and share a thought...only to hear a "toilet flush" and you are lectured as to how inept you are. Generally this leads to the toxic bully's speech on how lucky you are to have them in your life, forcing the question "What would you do without them" permanently branded in your brain.
2. Guilt: The most common form of control used by the toxic bully. The trick in using guilt ( promising never to leave them, how much they have helped you, you owe them so much while they do all things out of a selfless love in their heart ( this one makes me want to puke and vomit), or simply reminding you of all your "long trail of broken promises"). The bully will use guilt tactics to control ADULT human beings...sometimes even into a person's golden years.
3. Independence: The toxic bully will often declare their ability to need no assistance from anyone...but as for you, you do! In fact, you are so lucky to have this bully as a friend and it would be wise to appreciate the trustworthiness they have bestowed on you.
4. User: A toxic bully will often look nice, courteous and quite pleasant to the general public ( the social arenas like church, clubs, or friends,) but then of course...there is you! Here is a general rule for receiving the pleasantries of a toxic bully; As long as they get what they want from you, you will receive a false yet very skilled public respect. But, if you do not concede to any idea or request they may have....Hell's comin' buddy! One person spent years being abused by a close toxic bully friend wrote: "It's like continually paying $1000 for a candy bar. You never got much for your investment."
5. Decision-making:  Be careful to not allow the toxic bully to feed you "the info," then have you make the call. Remember, if their idea doesn't work, you will be the one to blame.

Finally, here are 7 "Rules" I have kept in mind with any relationships or friendships I develop now. I hope they are helpful:

1. Letting Go: It is best to let go of toxic people. It does not mean you hate them or wish harm upon them. It simply means you care about your own well being. Healthy relationships are ALWAYS RECIPROCAL!
2. Stop Pretending: Toxic behavior is not okay. It never has been. Stop acting like it is! Toxic bullies can develop a sense of entitlement and the victim finds it easier to quiet and satisfy their demands rather than to face and challenge the bully's demanding rhetoric. Do not tip-toe around a toxic bully by granting special "pardons" because of circumstances beyond control. A toxic bully will NEVER change if they are rewarded for NOT changing.
3. Speak up! It is time to stand up for yourself. Understand toxic bullies will do anything for their own personal gain. They will kill your dreams, take your money, promise you land and possessions...in the "sweet bye and bye." But first, you must promise never to leave them and you should start paying now! A toxic bully will make vague promises. Inheritances for example might be offered with a phrase like "It will all be yours someday"... like a donkey chasing a carrot on a stick. The reality of a statement like that...the toxic bully has every intention of just leaving you the leftovers.
4. Put your foot down!: A toxic bully attacks, ravages, and disgracefully mocks your personal dignity. Yet the truth is, the only way you as a victim of such behavior can EVER, EVER lose your dignity permanently...is if you surrender it. The remedy?...Vacate until or only if they change...and even then it may be too late.
5. Do not attack toxic behavior in a personal way: Learn to keep your emotions out of it when making decisions and establishing boundaries. Be respectful, and walk away.
6. Practical compassion: If a toxic bully threatens or speaks vaguely, address it directly. Getting back to the inheritance example, if you hear the phrase " It will all be yours someday," ask..."What exactly do you  mean by that?" (  You might want to be ready to duck...lol).
7. Take time for yourself: You deserve time away from it all. You need time to think peacefully.

I like how one lady described her relationship with her spouse of 35 years. He was a toxic bully. He always appeared nice to everyone else; charming, smart, and achieving. Yet to her he seemed to be continually thinking of ways to delude and belittle anything she did or said...particularly if it didn't meet up to his standards. She said their relationship was like " a bitter onion wrapped in rose petals. The inside was not pretty and when you removed the rose petals, it always made her cry." She concluded her story writing " I am 58 years old, I cannot change my past, I cannot change the choices people wish to make, but I can change myself. I have found a new day of...Hope!" She vacated the toxic bully and her abused environment.

                                                             Matthew 11: 28-29 {The Message}

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burnt out on religion? Come to Me! Get away with Me and you will recover your life! I will show you. You will take a real rest. Walk with Me, work with Me, watch how I do it! Learn the unforced Rhythms of Grace."